


The Only One Who Truly Matters

by paigeypoo



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, POV Sherlock Holmes, Pining Sherlock, Sad, Sherlock Holmes and Feelings, Sherlock in Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 03:56:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3275768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paigeypoo/pseuds/paigeypoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock is broken. In love with his best friend that just got married. His mind is the only way he is surviving the pain. Though the happiness may not be real, it's what keeps him going.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Only One Who Truly Matters

**Author's Note:**

> I am going through a difficult period in my life right now, and everything I'm going through just inspired me to write this. It was honestly writing this that kept me from breaking completely myself. I apologize for the angst, but I do hope you enjoy it.

There are two different kinds of breaking. Some of us completely shatter, all at once, like glass dropping on hard wood floors. Others of us break in pieces, we lose one piece here and another piece there, and we never quite know exactly where or when the pieces were lost. 

When we shatter, we shatter in one place, though it may be into many pieces, there is still the chance that we can be swept up and glued back together. There is still a chance that we aren't completely lost. There is still a chance that, although possibly damaged, we could be whole again. 

When we break in pieces, we have little chance of ever being whole again. We lose a piece of ourselves at different times and in different places. They slowly chip away at us, break pieces of us off, making our foundation weak and vulnerable. When it finally happens, when we finally lose the last piece that is holding us together and we crumble, all our pieces won't be there to pick up and glue together. 

Our pieces, the ones we've lost in the journey to this point, aren't there with our others. They are laying on the playground of the school we got bullied at. They are in the bed of the lover that broke our heart. They are on the shoulders of those who let us fall when they should have carried us. They are everywhere, scattered throughout our lives, disregarded and discarded. No one ever thought to take the piece and glue it back in place. No one ever thought to try and mend us. 

I am not shattered. I am broken. My pieces lay all over a life that I once walked through with my head high, a whole person, with all my pieces. A life that I now walk through only half a person, missing pieces and cracks litter my person, and I am nearly ready to break completely. 

My name is Sherlock Holmes, and today I lost my best friend. The only person who ever accepted me for exactly who I am. The only person who ever saw something worth while in me. The only person I have ever loved. Yes, I love him. I love him with everything that I am and everything I ever will be. But, he will never know. I can never tell him. 

I watched him get married today. I watched him stand in front of his loved ones and promise his love. His life. His future. His everything. Everything that he is now and ever will be, he promised that today. He promised that to another human being, a person that he loves, a person worth giving himself to, and a person that is not me. 

Because of this, I can never tell him. I can't do that to him. He has suffered too much at my hand to put this on his shoulders now. It would only cause him trouble and confusion. He would look at his new partner and wonder what it would have been like if he'd chosen differently. He would come to resent her for being in the way, he would come to resent me for telling him too late, and he would come to resent himself for feeling this way about someone when he was married to someone else. 

That is the worst part, he does love me. He loves me just the same as I love him. But, I never told him and he never had the courage to tell me either. He is brave, but being in love with another man when you have thought yourself straight your whole life isn't something that comes easy. 

I will never blame him for not saying anything. I knew that he would never be able to be the one who said it, that it would have to be me. I knew that and I didn't say a word. I let him fall in love with someone else. I let him slip away and now I have to clean up my own mess. 

I have to pick up my own pieces and try and glue as many back in place as I possibly can, knowing the entire time that I will never be whole again. 

I pick up and pen and paper and begin to write him a note that he will never see. 

'To the only one who truly matters, 

I can't imagine what my life would be like if you had never walked into it. My world was grey before you and you came in and everything was full of color. You are the only one to ever accept me for everything that I am and everything that I'm not. You are the only one to ever see something in me that others never could. You are my best friend and my only friend, and you have fallen in love. I watched you get married today, I saw your smile and heard your laughter. 

You should know that I only want what is best for you. I only want you to be happy, and I can see that you clearly are. That, is the precise reason why you will never read this, because what I'm about to tell you will make you unhappy, and I couldn't stand for you to be unhappy. 

I love you. I am in love with you. I would give anything to go back in time and tell you this. To look you in the eyes after running through an alleyway on a case and say it as I stroke your cheek. I would give up everything I have to kiss you softly and tell you how much you have softened the consulting detectives heart. 

You have made me human, you have brought out things in me that I didn't even know existed and I will forever be grateful to you for that. 

I meant what I said today, I will always be there for you, I will never let you down. I will do everything in my power the ensure that you live a happy life, whether it is with me or not. You deserve that. You deserve all the happiness that this world has to offer. 

All my love, now and forever, 

Sherlock Holmes' 

I fold the letter and place it in an envelope labeled with his name. I put it in his old sock drawer, the one that no longer holds socks. The drawer that is in the bedroom that he no longer occupies in a flat that has never felt so lonely. 

I walk to the sitting room and sit down on the sofa, I can't stand to look at the empty chair, the chair that he always sat in when he lived here, with me. I get up and move it, I don't want to look at the empty space he should be filling. 

I make tea and I automatically set out two cups. I pour tea into them both and leave the other one on the counter, fixed just the way he liked it, just in case he would decide to pop by. But he won't, of course he won't, he must be half way to his honeymoon by now. 

 

**I lay down on the sofa and enter my mind palace. I consider deleting him, I could do it, delete the memories, erase the pain. I would never have to remember loving, I wouldn't have to mend heart break. I could delete it all, go back to the way I was before. 

I decide that I'm going to do it, I'm going to delete the pain. I know that it's a cowardly thing to do, I know that I should face the pain I'm feeling and deal with it. I know that I'm a better person now that I ever was and that if I delete it all, I will revert. I know all this, but still it doesn't change my mind. 

I open my eyes to finish my tea before I start the process and when I do, it's him I see staring back at me. 

"I'm going crazy", I say out loud because no one is around to hear me. This is clearly an illusion. 

"You've always been crazy", he replies with a lopsided smile. 

"You're not here. Why are you doing this to me?" None of this is fair. 

"Sherlock, what are you talking about? I'm right here, standing beside you, I have been for the last 10 minutes", he says furrowing his brow. I really am crazy. 

"How long has it been since I slept? I don't usually hallucinate this bad", I say, still to myself because the person standing beside me is not real. He is not real and I cannot let my mind trick me into thinking that he is. That is a whole new level of crazy and it's a road I'd rather not follow. 

Suddenly I feel a very real smack across my face. There was no way I hallucinated that. 

"How's that for a hallucination, you great git. You aren't hallucinating anything, now sit up and let me sit down", he says and rolls his eyes. I reach out and grab his hand, it's warm and very there. He is real and he is in the flat. What is going on?

"You want to tell me what you are doing here?" I ask him, now that I know he's here, I can talk to him. 

He sits down and looks at me, "I couldn't do it, Sherlock. I just couldn't". 

"Couldn't do what?" 

"I couldn't make it work with her, not when it's clear to her and me that I'm in love with someone else", he says and I can tell he is very serious. 

"You have only been married for a few hours, how do you know you can't be happy with her?" I have to ask, I have to be the logical one, as always. 

He looks at me like I've got three heads, "Sherlock, what are you talking about? I've been married for over a month now. Where have you been?" 

Dear lord, I must have gone deep into my mind palace in an attempt to clear it of memories and not known how much time was passing. It does seem I have been taking care of myself despite that fact though, that's a good thing. 

"I've been in my mind palace, trying to delete, but it seems I have been unsuccessful" 

"What have you been trying to delete that has taken you a month?" 

I hesitate for only a moment. Now or never. This is my chance. 

"You", I say. 

"Why?" he asks, hurt lacing his voice. 

"Because I'm in love with you and you married someone else. You are happy with someone else. I can't take away you happiness because I'm selfish. I won't do that to you", I say, attempting to hold back tears. Since when I have become so emotional? 

"Sherlock, God, I love you too. I'm in love with you too. Don't you see? I have been for years. There will never be anyone else and she knows that. We aren't together any more Sherlock, and both of us are alright with that. As it turns out, she was in love with someone else too", he says and smiles. 

For once in my life, I can't think of a single thing to say. So I don't say anything. I just wrap my fingers in the front of his shirt and pull him towards me, kissing him for the first time.**

 

It is at that moment that I am jolted awake. I look around and all I see is darkness. I must have fallen asleep on the couch. I walk upstairs and pull out the sock drawer that still dwells in the empty room, the letter is still there. 

It has been well over a year since I wrote it, well over a year since the love of my life pledged himself to someone else, and well over a year that this dream has haunted me every time I close my eyes. 

Dreams. For me, they have been the only place where I can live the life I've always wished I had. I can't delete him, I really did try, but I just couldn't. I made him a promise the day he got married, and I intend to always follow through for him. So I dream, I dream so that when I have to wake up and live, I can do it, because I know that at the end of the day I can close my eyes and he will be with me. 

I know that I'm broken, my pieces scattered throughout the streets of London where I used to run with him. I know that one day, I'll have to search for those pieces and attempt to glue myself back together as best I can, knowing full well that I'll never be whole again. 

But, for now, I allow myself to shut my eyes once again. I can begin to rebuild myself in the morning, it's been over a year, so what's one more night? 

As I drift off into a world where my life is everything I wish it was, I see him standing there waiting. He is waiting for me to fall asleep completely and then he will come to me. My love. My life. My reason for living, even if only in my dreams. My John.


End file.
